


Codewords

by helens78



Category: Natural Nylon RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, humiliation (verbal)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-05
Updated: 2004-06-05
Packaged: 2017-10-05 11:41:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/41376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helens78/pseuds/helens78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jude knows what Ewan means when he says those things, but he's starting to want more than this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Codewords

Ewan's words are harsh, cruel, and bitter, and Jude knows every one of them means _I love you_. Words like _whore_ and _slut_ and sentences strung together that sting -- _I shouldn't let you come here, what are you doing in my flat, you don't deserve me_ \-- and all of them are true, real, and cover for emotions that neither one of them can voice.

How long has it been like this? Days, weeks? Months, years? Jude remembers the first time Ewan said _fucking bitch_ and meant _I love you_, and he doesn't even know how he knew there was something different in Ewan's voice. They'd been playing this way for so long by then. Ewan in him, fucking him hard, stroking him off in time with his thrusts, and Jude arching back and begging for it, crying so hard his vision was blurred but begging for it all the same. And the words just came out, hot against Jude's shoulder -- _fucking bitch, I know you need it this way, give it, give it, mine, give it to me_ \-- and Jude knew. Came screaming and knew Ewan was in love with him. Didn't just want him or need him, though those had been true for years on end, but _loved_ him. Him. Even though he'd been stupid enough to marry someone else, even though he'd been away from Ewan more than he'd been with him these last few years.

And when Ewan wrapped him up tight and held him after, it wasn't just the usual way of things. Jude still cried into Ewan's chest, letting all the emotions out, but it meant something else. It meant _I love you, too, always_, and he thinks Ewan knew it at the time.

They might never be able to say it the way lovers do. Or even the way friends do. It's been like this between them, sex and pain and humiliation all wrapped together, far too long. They can still go out as friends; they can still have a drink in a pub, hug each other good night when they're not going home together. But there've been so many codewords for what they are to each other that actually giving each other honesty might be beyond them.

Jude hates that sometimes. He wonders what it would be like waking up early one morning, tearstained but no longer shattered, pressing Ewan's knees to his chest and sliding in warm and deep and easy, not just fucking him but making love to him, whispering _I love you_ instead of _please, I can't, I can't_. He wonders how he'd feel if Ewan said it back to him.

_I love you, too, Jude. Love you. So much._

Are they painted into a corner? Jude wonders. And if they are, where's the dropcloth, because my God, he wants more than this.

Next time, he thinks, hands gripping the bedsheets while Ewan slides into him and starts to whisper. When the words are done, when they've gone to bed, when they're awake and it's that single easy moment before they get dressed and go on with their lives. That one moment, and he'll say it all at once. _I love you._

It might end everything. It might be a beginning. He'll find out when morning comes.

_-end-_


End file.
